i could never care enough
by deadlyxTRENDS
Summary: ..in these last days. - - -akuroku.


again with the pairingness. x3 this one's, like, sadder than the other one, though. IT'S ISN'T ANY LESS WEIRD THOUGH. oh, _great_, right?

DON'T BLAME ME IT ISN'T MY FAULT. anyway. again, i don't own it. not carry me ohio, not sun kil moon, not roxas or axel. -insertsadfaceofemonesshereplz-

..and i should really submit something for axel soon. 'cause i'm not _all_ roxas _all_ the time, you know. xDD

* * *

_can't count to  
all the lovers i've burned through _

I'm sorry… Really, I am. I want you to know, you were never the reason I left. Actually, you were the reason I almost _didn't_ leave. You really made it hard, you know that? After what you said, I almost couldn't do it… But I'm a stubborn son of a bitch, so I kept right on going. I left you there, and I didn't once look back. I wanted to; you've got to believe me… Well, if you don't, there isn't a lot I can do about it _now_. But, please, just try. Try to believe me when I say that I never stopped loving you, not even once I was gone.

Yeah, I'm going to call it love. They say we can't feel, they say we're incapable. But I think they're wrong. What else would it be? I won't argue with the statement that we're incomplete, but I'll never believe that feeling is what we're missing. I just _can't_, and I guess I should thank you for that. You're the one who made me feel again… It's all a psychology thing, and you got rid of that. Somehow, though, it never surprised me that you were the one to do it. It just felt right… Haha, _felt_.

It bothers me a lot… the thought that you might still be blaming yourself for what I did. Don't… just don't. If you blame yourself, it isn't going to make anything better. The only way either of us can heal is if we let it go, but we still never let ourselves forget… Believe me, please. Don't ever think that you didn't try… Don't let 'what if' become your new catchphrase… I like 'got it memorized' a whole lot better anyways. It suits you, and, God, I miss it. I miss everything about you, to tell the truth.

I think, really, that you're the only thing about living that I'll never, ever regret. It's true, you know. It's like… I would do some fucked up thing, no surprises there, but then you'd come, and you'd make everything okay. You were a life saver, you know that? You were everything I relied on… and then I went and threw it all away. God, I regret it… But you know I had to leave… You do know that, right? I couldn't stay, no matter how much I wanted to… no matter how much I wished I could stay with you.

I just couldn't… I had to find myself, in more ways than one, but I hate to think it led me away from you. Anything and everything I gained in self-worth can never match up to what I lost at heart… _You_ were my heart, Nobody or not. Don't ever forget it, either. You accomplished the impossible… You made a Nobody feel like somebody, and you should be proud. I only wish I could tell you in person. I just can't help hoping this will be enough, even though I know there's no way it could be.

It's really selfish of me, I know… but I hope you miss me. I mean, I know you said you would. Yeah, I heard you when you said it, but I didn't want you to know. I wanted you to be angry with me when I left… and I thought maybe that way it wouldn't hurt either of us nearly as much. Well, now, I realize it may have made it even worse, but there isn't any turning back now. I hope you know, honestly, that I was lying. I was lying to myself, and I was lying to you… I tried to act like I didn't care, but you should _know_ I did, and that I still do.

Hey, I bet you didn't know I cried… The thought of never seeing you again, I think that's what really got to me. And the fact that I never _did_ get to properly say goodbye… You do know I didn't want to leave like that, right? I wanted, so much, to turn around. I wanted, so much, to… I don't know, take you with me? I just wish things hadn't played out the way they did. I wish I'd done something… God, I wish I'd done _anything_. I missed my chance, and now, here I am, pouring out my heart, apologizing for my actions… or, lack thereof.

Promise me something, please… Promise me you'll never kiss anyone else in the rain at night… Promise me you'll never let anyone else win, even though you know you could chakram their ass in less than a minute… Promise me you'll keep laughing at people behind their backs… And, please, promise me you'll never ever cry because of me. I can't bear the thought that you could ever hurt as much as I do right now. Don't make me feel any worse than I already do, for the love of God.

It's funny, in an ironic sort of way, how I can be all broken up inside, practically _dying_ without you, and then… then I remember all the other people. I remember that there are people everywhere, and they can laugh and smile, while all I can do is lament. Damn all those people… they should be more empathetic. God knows, we were the best couple the Organization had ever seen. But then I start to wonder where you are, and I wonder if you're safe… I wonder if you ever think of me, while I know it can't be nearly as often as I think of you.

I can remember everything, you know. From the very first thing I heard you say, to the very last time I heard you laugh, it's all there, clear as Memory's Skyscraper in my mind. But I do wish there was more to remember… Not that there isn't enough, 'cause there's probably that and a hell of a lot more. It's just… we had such a short time together. Or, at least, it feels like it. But, hey, if you were really going to ask me, I would say forever wasn't enough time… You can never have too much of a good thing, right? And, hell, we were a _good_ thing.

Everything, though I can remember it clear as I can remember yesterday, still seems pretty distant. I mean, everything just seems like it happened _so_ long ago… Memories are all I've got left of you, and sometimes I can't even convince them to feel real. It's… well, it's my fault. I'm the only person that can be blamed for my own turmoil, not to mention yours. If there was any way I could fix it, make everything better… If there was any way I could make sure we were okay, you've got to understand that I would take it in a heartbeat.

Among a whole lot of other things, I really miss that one feeling… the feeling of knowing you were always there. You were there when I woke up, you were there when I screwed something up, you were there when I laughed, you were there when I cried… and wherever I went, you were just one portal of darkness away. All that _constant_ contact, and then just… just nothing at all. It was hard to cope, as I'm sure you know all too well. But… that feeling. It was a good feeling, and I _so_ wish I could have it back.

You know what? I realize I'm running the risk of sounding _completely_ fake, but you know I wouldn't lie about it, honestly… I need to say it. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Even if that's over now, I've still got to admit it… both to you and to myself. And, no, I'm definitely not through beating myself up about what I've done… which is pretty hypocritical, seeing as I'm asking you not to do the same. Humor me, please. But… I just can't bring myself to accept the fact that you were everything I had, but now you're everything I _don't_ have… and it's all my fault.

I'd give anything to see you again, and I want you to believe me when I say that… and I _do_ mean _anything_. Do you remember what you said? I bet you don't think _I_ do… But you're wrong. I remember everything, you know. You didn't think I was serious… and maybe _you_ weren't… but it's been the only thing that's kept me from going insane. Maybe you didn't think I knew what I was saying, being out-of-sorts and all… but I did. I heard, I understood, and I remember. And, don't you ever forget, I'll be waiting for you in the next life.

_so why do i still burn for you?  
i cannot say_

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REVIEWS ARE FUN. -cough-_  
_


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